What if, what if, what if, what if?
I don’t think there’s a cure for depression. I just think it sometimes goes into remission, and if you’re really lucky and find the right treatment, it can go into remission for years.
Sometimes I find myself wondering what would have happened if I hadn’t moved to my dad’s house, if I hadn’t been emotionally abused by my stepmother. I was finally coming into my own when I moved away from my hometown. Would high school have been a more welcoming place for me? Would I have come out of my shell more, become a drama geek or found success in High 4-H? Maybe I would have been shattered in a different way.
If there are alternative dimensions for every path that could have been taken, a few onion skins away there’s a Mellisa that stood up to her stepmother and didn’t get beaten down. Even more layers beyond is a Mellisa who never moved to her dad’s place and knows the answer to my what if.
But I am not the Mellisa of those other dimensions. I’m the Mellisa of this one. When depression sinks its teeth in, when the what ifs can get really loud, I try to remember that depression lies. If I’m not too far into the dark pit of despair, I think about all of the wonderful things that have happened because of my experiences, because of who I am today. I’m with the most wonderful of men. My Charles also battles the depression demon, so we’re there to support each other when it rears its ugly head. I have a dog and two cats that are always happy to see me. I have friendships that have lasted for most of my life. There’s so much to be grateful for, and I truly am grateful for my life. Depression would do its best to make me forget that.
There have been quite a few suicides in my circle of awareness in the past few months. Some of them have been of famous people, some of them the family of friends. All of them have been a terrible loss.
Please, if you know someone who is battling depression, give them your compassion. Let them know they’re not alone. Support them and help them find help.
If you are fighting those demons, we’re here for you! Reach out, if you can. Call the suicide hotline. All of us who know depression lies can understand your pain. Know that we love you. You are not alone.
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