So, I put them back in their Target bag with the receipt and planned to take them back in the next couple of weeks. Now, our closest store is 45 minutes away, so it's a trip we have to plan for. The plan never arose, and there sat two gorgeous shades upon our living room floor. Then I hit upon an idea -- I thought I might just be able to use them in our hallways and replace two super-awesome (not!) 70s era glass shades.
This could have been the second womp womp of our story. The hole to screw the lampshades on were much too large, but I'm nothing if not crafty. I cut out large circles from the lids of our favorite gelato -- let's hear it for some tasty Talenti! -- cut a hole in the middle for the screw, and voila -- two pretty new fixtures that hung just so from the exis. There's room above the shade as well as it being open at the bottom, so there's no need to fear the bulb will get things too hot. An added bonus is that the hallway is now bright. We can actually see when we walk through it instead of dealing with the dusty, diffused light of our old, glass shades. No more dog toys hiding in the shadows. Hooray!